Thursday, June 28, 2007

NBA Draft 2007: A Running Diary

By Rory Montana

After six months of hype, a tanking controversy, a debate over #1, trade rumors and a completely bizarre lottery outcome, the NBA Draft is finally here. In the sports world, the NBA draft is nestled between right below the NFL draft and right above the baseball All-Star game on the annual sporting events of importance list, and this year looks to bolster the rosters of the Northwest Division as Portland and Seattle will draft in the top two positions. We know the first two picks, and then we roughly know the next eight… just not the order. It should be interesting to see what happens with Atlanta, a franchise on the verge of facing a revolution among their fan base after years of being miserable, and also with Memphis, who may be packing their bags out of the city sooner than people think.

Before we get going, let me say that I think Nick Young out of USC is an absolute stud, and think he will be great. I would take him over both Yi and Brandan Wright. The kid shot 45 percent from three point land, brought a overmatched USC team to the Sweet Sixteen and knocked Kevin Durant out of the NCAA Tournament.

With that said, let’s get going with my first running diary for Coedmagazine.com, I will be your guide to everything NBA Draft for at least the lottery part of the draft, and if I’m feeling randy, I’ll probably stick around to see what Isaiah does with the Knicks picks.

7:00 pm - 15 seconds into the draft coverage, we get our first glimpse of Joakim Noah. He looks like he should be a building manager in a 1970s sitcom, or Will Smiths younger brother in “A Pursuit of Happiness”

7:04 - Three analysts, three exact same opinions. The top two are money, and after that could go either way. Thanks Mike Tirico, Stephen A. Smith and Mark Jackson. Also trade rumor #1 of tonight involving the Celtics and the Sonics, Ray Allen for the #5, Delente West, and Wally Sczerbiak. Isn’t Ray Allen 32?

7:05 - Atlanta had a chance to grab Amare Stoudamire, AMARE STOUDAMIRE! And missed it because they couldn’t decide if they want to give up both the three and the 11. How do they not pull this deal? With an inside scorer like Stoudamire, and Joe Johnson running the show, the Hawks automatically contend for a playoff spot in the East.

7:12 - According to Dick Vitale, the future TrailBlazer Greg Oden is a little Hakeem Olajuwan, Patrick Ewing, Tim Duncan, and Alonzo Mourning all in one. That’s three Hall of Famers and 7 kidneys wrapped up in one #1 pick. No Pressure Greg

7:15 - If Oden was any character in the history of Cinema, he would be the giant trees from The Lord of the Ring. No Question.

7:19 - Maybe the more accurate comparison of Noah’s appearance tonight is Snoop Dog and Carrot Top’s love Child.

7:24 - According to the experts, the top six picks are already set: Oden, Durant, Horford, Connely Jr, Green and Yi Jianling. With the Hawks and Grizzlies in the mix, don’t be surprised to see Spencer Hawes or Big Daddy Davis to move into this position.

7:25 - Jim Gray reports that the Warriors are now interested in moving on Garnett. They join the club of the Lakers, Suns, Mavs, Celtics, and Bulls as the teams actively working to get him. Gray gives no indication of who they are willing to give up, but Monta Ellis and Jason Richardson have been names tossed around recently. With no third team involved, Golden State would have to give up a little more than those two.

7:28 - ESPN goes to commercial with the All America Rejects. Though it is a major improvement on the Pussy Cat Dolls during the playoffs, it is still highly unlikely that any of the players in the draft have one AAR songs in their Ipod.

7:31 - The post game is over, and now the fun begins. There are so many obvious choices right now, and it is now just a matter of waiting for a team to mess up. It is also nice to know that it is 5 minutes between the picks, unlike the grueling wait in the NFL Draft.

7:35 - Mark Jackson hyped the Blazers to be the 2007-2008 Golden State Warriors. Again, no pressure Greg.

7:41 - Wow, well the Seattle/Boston trade is all but done. Jay Bilas looks mortified about it. Apparently, pending league approval this is a done deal. I don’t know of one person who saw this coming. If the Celtics can swing it and get Jermaine O’Neal, they will have a chance in competing to win the Atlantic Division next year, even if that means surrendering any long term plans they had been working on.

7:42: Durant goes #2. Now that we have the formalities out of the way, the real surprises begin. We’ve known the first two picks since February, and what teams they were going to since May.
Durant’s highlight videos show him doing a little bit of everything (rebounding, posting up, shooting the three) and are much more impressive than Oden’s shot blocks and 15 fade hooks. and they just said he has a 7’5 winspan! That’s on par with Yao. He looks to be an automatic beast immediately. To be fair to Oden, he did play his entire college career with a broken wrist. Prediction: Oden will be more reliable over the course of his career, Durant will sell more jerseys and star in more Youtube videos.

7:48 - Horford goes three, the first Gator taken in the draft. He is a legit 6’10, trilingual and Mike Tirico just announced he is friends with Sammy Sosa. Sign me up as the guy who finds the fillthe silence facts! Averaging 13/10 last season on a stacked team, is impressive. Karl Malone never did that on those stacked Lakers teams.

7:51 - Uh oh, hopefully he has more success than his dad Tito… he faded out after 63 games with the Bucks. The experts have been 3/3 here come the Grizzlies.

7:52 - 4 for 4! Mike Connely jr. should have an immediate impact on an awful Memphis team, but isn’t enough to make them a winner. Gasol will be gone by February’s trade deadline, leaving Connely with almost no help. Should be interesting to see how he performs out of Oden’s shadow, but also with no Oden.

*Side Note*They just had a clip of Connely Jr’s dad, an Olympic triple jumper, dunk from behind the free throw line. I hope they enter next year’s dunk contest as the first ever father/son team.

7:54 - The Celtics traded their pick to Seattle. Jeff Green from Georgetown is going to be a Sonic. The Big East player of the year still has to wear the Celtic hat on stage because they have to figure out the numbers, and make sure the deal will go through. Now that Szczerbiak is out of Boston, maybe Kevin Garnett will rethink going to Boston… but now Boston has nothing to trade for him. If you would have told a Boston fan one week ago that they were trading the number 5 pick for an all star on draft day, they would have jumped for joy for getting Garnett, and then hung themselves when they found out it was 32 year old Ray Allen of Jesus Shuttlesworths’s fame. I can’t wait to see what Bill Simmons thinks of this tomorrow.

8:03 - Yi Jianliang will be a Milwaukee Buck. With the number 6 pick. At first glance, he appears to be 7 feet tall, 165 pounds. Jay Bilas just compared him to 50 cent. His two strong points are his athleticism and that he has seen success against the US national team. Basically the same scouting report as Andrew Bogut, sans 150 pounds and english speaking abilities. Andy Katz reports that the Bucks drafted him without seeing him play live, or workout. That’s the college equivalent entering a relationship with a girl in your dorm because you hear she is good in bed… without ever meeting/seeing her. There is also a running subplot right now that China might not let him play in Wisconsin because it is not up to their standards. We won’t know anything more about this tonight, but the coming days should be fun.

8:10 - The T-Wolves are up next, have missed the playoffs three years in a row, and their franchise player wants out. God help whoever they draft… here it comes… Corey Brewer. Gator # 2 in the draft. MVP of the 2007 Final Four. Former construction worker, and former tobacco farm worker… no joke. Congratulations Corey. You drew the short straw when it came to places to play.
It’s a good pick for Minnesota, but that does not put them in a better position in the West… or for the future. Phoenix, Dallas, San Antonio, and Utah are all going back to the playoffs, Golden State and Denver will be no worse than last year, and division rivals Portland/Seattle just got a lot better. Minnesota 2007, is looking more like Minnesota 1996.

8:18 - The Michael Jordan led Bobcats select Brandan Wright. The scouts say he needs time to develop, and work on his shooting which does not bode well for the Bobcats, but they confess they said the same thing about Chris Bosh. In his first interview as a professional basketball player, Wright tells Stuart Scott that he can take Jordan one on one. Scott laughs it off, but the Wright looks dead serious. He is either as competitive as anyone whoever lived, or a complete idiot. First practice of the season, Jordan will settle this… one can only hope that it will be put up on youtube. (**After Draft Note: the Bobcats sent Wright to Golden State for Jason Richardson, looks like Garnett is not destined for Oakland)

8:25 - The third Gator of the draft, Joakim Noah, will be a Chicago Bull. He is a strong defending/non-scoring big man on a team that needs a scoring big man. He may not be the most talented player taken so far, but is defiantly the most entertaining. He has the potential to be the Ricky Williams of the NBA. It is impossible to tell if he is high or just strange. He is the son of a tennis champion and a former Miss Sweden, so maybe that childhood explains how he turned out. With Chicago probably losing Nocioni this off season, Noah will be a great off the bench, high energy guy. He looks like a fry person from the old McDonald’s commercials on stilts (Ok, that’s the last one).

8:29 - All of the big names are gone, but we still have some entertaining teams looking to make moves. The smart move for the Hawks at 11 would be Nick Young from USC because they are in desperate need of a point guard. Don’t hold your breath.

8:31 - Spencer Hawes goes 10 to the Kings. Scouts say he is not an athlete, not a rebounder, not a shot blocker, has no offensive vision… on the plus side he is 7 feet tall. Hawes response to the criticism is that he is confident he can improve on this. Stuart Scott doesn’t look so convinced. The announcers say he will be fun in the lockerroom because Hawes loves political debates, and loves George W. Bush. How many republicans are in the NBA do you think right now? I’d say less than ten now that ‘The Mayor’ Fred Hoiberg retired a few years back.

8:38 - The Hawks take Acie Law IV. Even though he is a guard, he is not a natural point guard, and is not a pure shooter. With a new PF, a new SG, and new uniforms, the Hawks will be a completely new look, high energy lottery team next year. I would have gone with Nick young right here. Trust me on this.

8:44 - Steven A. Smith says the Sixers are trying to build their image, and they will rely Mo Cheecks as the coach. It is understood that they need to go big, and draft for height.

8:46 - Thaddeus Young is the pick, and can best be described as the Junior Varsity version of Al Thorton… who is still available. On the plus side, Thaddeus Young is left handed which makes all the difference when grabbing rebounds. Did they just figure the couldn’t get Thorton at this point, so they didn’t even check to see if he was available?

8:52 Well, we’ve seen Julien Wright from Kansas go to New Orleans, the Clippers steal Al Thorton from Florida State, Rodney Stuckey from Eastern Washington going to Detroit, and My boy Nick Young from USC getting picked 16th by the Wizards. It is now just a matter of waiting for the Knick’s to pick

9:14 - Wow, without even making a pick, the Knicks just made the biggest move of the day, making themselves automatic contenders in the Atlantic. Channing Frye and Steve Francis for Zach Randolf, Dan Dickau and Fred Jones. Isaiah Thomas just improved his team. There are more cheers right now in Madison Square Garden than there have been in 3 years.

9:16 - High-risk, High-Reward (emphasis on high). New Jersey picks Shawn Williams out of Boston College, well kind of from BC, he was suspended on drug charges mid-season. He is one of the most talented players of the draft and also one of the biggest potential giant head cases in recent draft history. We know how well that logic worked for the Titans when they drafted Pacman. I’m sorry I can’t spend more time on this, but I’m still trying to wrap my head around the Knicks deal. This is the same reaction I had when the Patriots got Randy Moss for a 4th round pick. New York now owns two of the ten best inside scorers in the league. Un-Real.

9:20 - The Warriors are up trying to improve on last season’s best story by drafting a key piece to next yera. They are on the clock.

9:23 - Marco Belinelli from Italy is this improvement. Ok, we’re officially off the clock covering pick by pick until the Knicks are up, or they somehow trade for Kobe.

9:27 - Prediction ****The Lakers may be the new Knicks**** If they do get rid of Kobe, they will forever been the franchise that traded away two of the best players of all time. If the Bulls traded Jordan in 1993, there would have been riots. Imagine if they had two Jordans and traded both of them.

9:49 - The Knicks are up soon. Spike Lee says they are going to draft Wilson Chadler, a sophomore out of Depaul. Spike hints that Isiah confers with him about moves so we will see what happens.

9:54 - Add Spike Lee to the New York payroll, inexplicable. Some how it does make sense though. Balkman got greeted with boos last year and turned out not awful, so who knows. That is going to be the theme of this Knicks team going into the season next year, who the hell knows. They could take the Atlantic away from the young Raptors, or they could finish below .500 yet again (or both, you never know in the Atlantic). However, unlike Boston or Philadelphia, New York can at least say they are going in the right direction. They are getting big, and getting young, and they are getting rid of those big contracts that have killed them forever.

The draft is a weird thing. It’s talked about constantly, dissected by professionals, and millions are spent on scouting, but rarely is an immediate impact made. Keep in mind that in the past 8 years, Kwami Brown, Andrew Bogut and Andrea Bargnani have been selected number one, and have either fallen off or are just not making a huge impact. Darko Milicic was selected before Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh and Carmello Anthony. Michael Jordan went third and Kobe Bryant was selected 13th. Basically, what I’m trying to say, trying to hammer down your throat, pleading with you to understand is that things are impossible to predict. So next year during the draft, when Thaddeus Young is polishing his ROY trophy, and Nick Young is warming the bench for Albuquerque in the NBDL, please don’t hate on me.


Drunk Uncle Jesse in Australia

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Out to Lunch with Papa Slater: The NL East

By Papa Slater



As the dog days of summer approach, there is nothing quite as dandy as sitting back with an adult beverage or lemonade and turning on some mid-season baseball. As the months start heating up, so are certain teams. There is one division which appeals more to me above all others. The National League East babbyyyy. As an avid Phillies fan I feel it is my civic duty to break down my thoughts feelings and concerns on how the East will end up.

There are many different factors that play a roll in how the NL East will pan out. Do the Mets pitchers have enough stamina to make it deep this year? Will the Braves be able to finally start hitting the ball soon? Can the Phils stay hot after the All Star Break? Will those damn Marlins exceed expectations again and hang around til September? Let me express my completely bias opinion and see if i can get anyone to agree.

The Washington Nationals are the least of my worries to interfere with anything what-so-ever. They are a mere 30-39 and are over 8 games out at this point. They only won 71 games last year, and I am confident they will have less than 70 wins this year. There is a lack of talent in both dynamics of the game. Pitching has been below average since the injuries of John Patterson and Jason Bergman. There has been a poor showing of offensive display from anyone other than Dimitri Young and Brian Zimmerman. The Nats have been through an awful amount of injuries and loss of talent, and I don't see any success for this ballclub in the near future.

Moving onto a team that seems to shock the nation every year with a late season rally; the Florida Marlins. The Marlins are always in Wild Card contention. Most people don’t consider the Marlins to be a threat due to the lack of total salary for their squad, which is 2nd lowest in the majors at a mere $30.507 million. The Marlins are a fun team to watch when certain players are making it do what it do. Dontrelle Willis is one of the most animated pitchers in the league. He is currently struggling this season due to lack of offensive contribution with a 7-6 record. Armando Benitez has a 1.29 ERA in six appearances with the Fish since being aquired from San Fran. Another Marlin to watch is Miguel Cabrera, an explosive 3rd basemen with unlimited talent. Even though he is only 24 it seems he has been in the league for 15 years. Even with the talent of thse couple players, there is no shot for a team with 20 players only making league minimum. I say this now but come September, a wild card run would come as no surprise.

Being a phillies fan, it's nearly impossible for me to like the Atlanta Braves. Ever since they moved from NL West to East it seems they have always been getting in the way. The Braves consistently make it to the divisional playoffs, and seemingly consistently lose the series. This season the Braves have a solid lineup, but aren’t divisional championship worthy. The biggest damper on their season has to have been losing Mike Hampton for 6-9 months. Atlanta now has to put all its pressure on 8 year veteran Tim Hudson and 18 year crafty righty John Smotlz to take them to the playoffs. The pitching is certainly a strong point, with leadership and talent in the rotation and in the bullpen. The weak point is definitely their offense. During recent interleague play the Braves have a 1-5 record and only 11 runs in the five loses. Edgar Renteria will always hit the ball well and Willie Harris is one of the hottest hitters in the league right now. However, that doesn’t make up for the fact that after Andruw and Chipper Jones, there are nothing but outs. This is why the Braves will soon start to self-destruct. If a team can’t get consistent hits out of their 6-8 hitters they will not succeed late in the season. Maybe next year boys.

I hate the New York Mets. I’ll even go as far as saying I hate Mets fans. I’ll even dance with the Devil and say my hatred for the Mets is more than that of the Yankees. The reasoning is because of their recent ability to be a fantastic team and play well in all aspects of the game (and outperform the Phillies). This is not the Mets year. They are having a very impressive amount of offensive production. Jose Reyes is the fastest man on Earth. He was found racing cheetahs in Africa in the off-season just to develop more cat-like instincts. Carlos Beltran has been facing minor injury this season and has only ‘belted” 9 dingers so far and hitting a non-salary worthy .265. Carlos Delgado isn’t performing how a veteran that wants a ring would be, only hitting .229 with 11 homers. Paul Lo Duca and David Wright have been playing well thus far into the season, both hitting around .300 with consistent hits every game. The downfall of the NY Mets will be the pitching. Pedro lost his killer instinct once he said the Yankees were his daddy, hes never really been a man to be feared after that. Orlando Hernandez isn’t exactly young anymore and doesn’t have the power he used to. Billy Wagner is a chump and a big piece of excrement. He’s actually excellent, with his 100mph fastball and ass-kicker attitude. Pedro Feliciano is a decent reliever, syke. Tom Glavine has just checked into an old age home down in Florida. Oliver Perez is the only pitcher I can imagine having a good 2nd half of the season, and guess what sports fans, that’s not quite enough. Atleast not this season.

Time for me to talk about the Phillies as if they have made the playoffs since their World Series appearance in 1993. If you know anyone who likes a Philadelphia sports team, you know that before the season starts you hear “This is the year” and “Playoffs baby, Playoffs”. Midway through the season you get “They will pick it up right after All-Star Break”. At the end of the season you get “$*%@ the Phils these guys $&*%# stink!” Well you won’t be hearing the ladder from this guy this year. I know what you’re thinking, “Yea right this kids a joke”…..maybe so….but I could probably beat you up just on pent up aggression from watching my teams constantly lose when it counts….so watch yourself.

Here is why Philly fans are full steam behind this team. It’s a team we actually like, it’s a team with skill, charisma, power, and even poise. There certainly are a few kinks that need to be worked out, but it is bound to happen. I love watching ESPN every night and just seein Chase Utley hit a ball 500 feet or Shane Victorino throw someone out from deep right field. The Phils were hurt when losing closer Brett Myers a couple weeks ago, but his expected return should provide a nice kick to morale (or maybe a punch to the proverbial spousal face). Cole Hamels is absolutely filthy. He has a 90-94mph lively fastball, an outstanding change up and is working on perfect his curve. He is young, yet doesn’t get discouraged after letting up a couple hits. Stolen bases are sufficient with Victorino having 3rd most in the NL (21) and Jimmy Rollins having 10th most (13). Ryan Howard has found his swing and has knocked out 15 dingers thus far into the season, 9 since his May 25th activation from the DL. Aarron Rowand is hitting .320 with 82 hits already. There are many factors that are leading me to believe that this is the year for the Phils to make the playoffs this year. With leadership from Jaime Moyer for the pitchers, and Utley, Howard and Rowand as leaders for the lineup, this team will have a fantastic 2nd half.

In conclusion to this little diddy I put together on my lunchbreak, the NL East is definitely a division to follow this season. There are going to be swings in division leaders and the teams always play good ball against each other. I am excited for the cease of interleague play and return to good old fashioned competition. Keep and eye on those fightin’ Phils!

Out to Lunch with Papa Slater is written during the hour lunch break of OrderMeADouble Staffer Papa Slater. He's hungry for his tasty lunch, and also hungry to feed your wandering mind.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Hillary Parodies 'The Sopranos' Ending

Who will be 'The Price is Right' Host Next Season? An OrderMeADouble Running PowerRankings



By Rory Montana

Bob Barker appeared in his “last” show Friday June 15th, and the debate of who will take over the American gameshow powerhouse is in full force. Over the course of the summer, OrderMeADouble.com will be tracking the potential candidates through an in-depth power ranking system. All candidates listed must have a realistic shot of grabbing the coveted prize (sorry Jaleel White), and will be judged on their Barker-like qualities, availability and past experience.

1. Bob Barker - Wowowow, much like the Sopranos Finale, Bob left the door open for a possible return. Game shows should adopt the same policy as the Supreme Court where you are obligated to the job until death. He will always be on the top of the list as long as he’s got breath in his lungs.

2. John O'Hurley - J Peterman of Seinfeld fame announced to the world he is looking for work after appearing on ABC’s Dancing with the Stars. After an informal poll of OrderMeADouble.com fans, O’Hurley was a near unanimous selection and no one can agree on why.

3. Chuck Woolery- Chuck has been criticized by some for being borderline perverted, and having an awkward sense of humor, but isn’t that why Barker was so great? Lingo can’t hold the monster that is Chuck Woolery.

4. Rosie O’Donnell - Rosie received the vocal endorsement from Barker himself last week. Daytime experience and proven popularity despite her controversial stances she vocalized on The View. However, Bob Barker was successful because he was manly, a womanizer, and above everything else classy. Rosie may be some of those things, but she certainly is not classy.

5. Todd Newton - An rising star who splits time between the E! Network and the Game Show Network. He may be an unknown, but also is considered to be one of the favorites.

6. Mario Lopez - His name keeps being thrown into the mix as one of the favorites, and after hosting the Miss America Pageant, it appears his is grooming himself for a life of cheesy TV appearances.

7. Wayne Brady - Wayne Brady fell off worse than Li’l Penny. He went from dominating ‘Whose Line is it Anyways’ hosting his own show, and providing us with one of the most memorable Chappelle’s Show sketches of all time, to completely falling off. In the past two years, Wayne played the gay brother of Neil Patrick Harris on ‘How I Met Your Mother’, and also starred in the ABC Family Movie ‘The List.’ Picking up Wayne Brady would have been huge 5 years ago, but now… not so much.

8. Ryan Seacrest - In the world of celebrities with no talent, Ryan is a shade more successful than Mario Lopez and blows the socially plummeting Carson Daly. As depressing as it is to write, Seacrest may be too big for the gig.

9. George Hamilton - You know the tan guy from the Orbitz commercials? 85 percent chance that he is older than Barker.

10. Magic Johnson - The only plausible reason that his name remains an option is because it is fun to say. His talk show was canceled after 8 weeks, and his TNT NBA appearances are more painful to watch than live birth scenes in ‘Knocked Up.’